Sure, you can talk about some things. Often, lots of things. You talk about work, or the friends who you just met up with, what you’re doing on the weekend. You can have a laugh and a joke. Mostly, you feel supported by your partner, like they’ve got your back.
But there are some topics that you find you just can’t go near. Perhaps it might be money, intimacy, housework, or how to parent, if you have kids. What are the painful places in your relationship?
It’s funny to think that at the start, you didn’t argue about these things. But over time, there were niggles, comments, discussions that turned sour, raised voices, slammed doors, and now… this.
Anytime you go near one of the topics that’s a source of conflict for you, there’s probably going to be a fight. By this point both of you know your positions, your arguments, and how unfair it feels. It really does. Your partner doesn’t understand you, can’t see your point of view, and you don’t know why, as you are clearly in the right on this one.
You come to know these arguments very well, and know how much they hurt.
It would be great not to care, but you can’t seem to do that. Your partnership matters, and you can’t walk away from it, but this topic that you’re arguing about matters too.
When the topic comes up, your partner becomes unreasonable, they say things that hurt, they don’t feel like the safe person you rely on. After an argument you might find yourself wondering if the relationship is doomed.
Sometimes, it feels safer just to retreat. Not to say a word. That topic seems to build an island of silence around it. But the problem doesn’t go away just because you’ve stopped talking about it. So when there’s not silence about this thing, there’s arguments, and all of it starts to feel hopeless.
The thing to understand is that the source of the argument is usually not really the key to the argument. It might seem like you’re arguing about housework, which can come with a lot of cultural baggage around it in terms of gender roles if you're a hetero couple, but beyond that it seems pretty straightforward, right? It’s something that can be observed, measured. Two smart adults who care about each other should be able to have a sensible conversation about it without sulking or shouting.
But what if the dynamics really driving the argument weren’t sensible, what if they were driven more by hurt and pain? What if, for example, there was a vulnerable part inside one of the people involved started that to feel like they were all alone with the housework, overwhelmed… like this showed once and for all that they didn’t matter to their partner. Ouch.
To be left alone by the person they care most about hurts deeply. It wouldn’t be surprising if they lashed out, were critical of the other person. And what if the other person didn’t see the hurt that was driving the criticism? It would make sense for them to feel attacked, blamed, defensive. And when both partners feel like that and act like that over and over again… it can become a dance where each partner’s move calls forth the corresponding move of the other. But this is not a fun dance to be a part of. The music that both people are hearing and responding to is the music of fear, of rejection and not feeling good enough.
Early on, with enough goodwill in the system, this can be unwound by just the two of you, with care. But as time goes on, it starts to feel impossible. Sometimes one partner will try a different move, but with both people feeling sensitive (to attack, to rejection) it usually just leads back to the same painful, hopeless, place.
Trying the usual ‘communication strategies’ you might have learned just doesn’t work once you’re here. There’s too much hurt in the system. It’s like trying to remember a poem you’ve learned about lion taming when there’s an actual lion chasing you with its teeth bared. Even if you could remember that poem at that moment, it is not a tool really suited to the task at hand.
This is the point at which it can be useful to see a relationship counsellor. You need someone who is outside the dance, who has been trained to see the fairly predictable steps you’re both taking and why. A counsellor can warmly hold the experiences of both of you, helping you feel as safe as possible while you unpick the pain that got you to this place. This is what Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy does.
Through this process, over time, the emotional music that you both hear changes to one of connection and trust, and as the music changes the dance changes too. The steps that each of you take begin to call forth moves from your partner that feel supportive. The bond between you, that may have been wearing thin, now gets strengthened each time one of you takes a risk and the other responds warmly.
If you live on the Sunshine Coast, you are welcome to send me a text on 0421 901 833 to check on my availability for relationships counselling, or an email via the Contact page. If you live elsewhere, I suggest looking for a local couples’ counsellor who uses Emotionally Focused Therapy.
Humans do best in relationship. That doesn't have to be a romantic couple relationship, but when it is, it's easy for things to go astray over time. Putting some energy into restoring and rejuvenating your primary relationship before it gets too far off track will pay dividends both now and in the future.
