When things get challenging in relationships, it feels normal for many people to want to move towards the issue. It often feels really important to talk it through with your partner, to try to figure out what’s going wrong and why, to get to the heart of it, even if things get a bit heated while you’re doing that. How else can you move past it?

Sometimes, these attempts yield fruit. However, sometimes these attempts may not be received in the way they are intended. You may feel like your partner shuts down. They might say, or indicate through their body language, that they don’t want to talk about this. You may even suggest relationship counselling, only to have them reject the idea repeatedly.

In these moments, it’s normal to feel feel shut out and terribly alone. How could they not want to work on this? Don’t they want connection? Don’t they care about you or the relationship?

Of course there can be many reasons why one partner may not want to work on a relationship, however one common reason is not at all to do with lack of care. In fact, one of the most common patterns that we see within relationships in conflict is where one partner pursues for closeness and the other withdraws for safety.

The way this may play out within your relationship may be complex, and you may sometimes take turns in the roles of pursuit and withdrawal. For example, it’s not unusual for one partner to pursue for emotional connection while the other pursues for sexual connection. However, the basic dynamics often follow predictable lines.

There is a whole theory about this (attachment theory). However, it’s enough to understand that in moments of high distress, some people feel the need for connection with their special person very intensely, even if that person is the source of the distress (we might think of these people as usually pursuing). Other people feel overwhelmed and try to bring the emotional temperature down by taking a step back (we can think of these as usually withdrawing).

These tendencies aren’t always fixed – someone might typically pursue in one relationship and find themselves more often withdrawing in the next.

When a trigger arises, something that destabilises the person who typically pursues, they will predictably reach for their partner for comfort. Sometimes their partner will be able to offer that comfort, and they will be able to receive it, and the bond between them will be strengthened. Unfortunately, it’s not always so easy. Sometimes the original trigger or the way that the pursuer reaches for connection feels triggering to the withdrawer, and then they may feel unable, at some point, to offer comfort. The person in the withdrawing position will often feel overwhelmed, criticised and out of control. They often feel like they have been providing support and doing their best to help their partner, so being told they haven’t feels deeply unfair.

For many people who typically withdraw, there is a sense of danger associated with high emotion. This may be due to experiences that they had in the past, perhaps in their childhood. It can often feel to them like they know how conflict is going to turn out, and it’s not good. They may do whatever they can to turn the emotion down. If they feel attacked, they may attack back, however, they often retreat and pull away physically and/or emotionally. To them, this often feels like the best way of serving the relationship and keeping it safe.

To the pursuer, however, this isn’t calming, it’s deeply distressing. They have two options: make their pursuit louder, do anything they can get a reaction, any reaction, or, shut down their feeling of care for this person.

As one gets louder and pushes harder, the other shuts down and pulls away more urgently. As they pull away, the other gets ever louder… or eventually shuts down themselves and begins to withdraw. It feels like a no-win situation. How can you find your way free of it?

Emotionally focussed therapy has been helping couples with this situation for decades now. If you want to try understanding these dynamics by yourself, you can get a copy of Hold Me Tight by Dr Sue Johnston, which is a guide for couples who want to map these dynamics together and find new ways of relating.

If resources allow, however, it is often most effective to do this work with a counsellor. I work with couples to track what’s going on in moments of conflict, to understand why the emotion is so high, and how they might be able to respond to each other differently. If you are on the Sunshine Coast and think relationship counselling may be helpful to you, send me a text on 0421 901 833, to work out a time to have an initial chat.

Relationships Stock photos by Vecteezy